A Turkish Political Lexicon
(not in alphabetical order)
Conquest: A merry event when the Turks capture other nations’ lands by force.
Occupation: An unjust act of aggression when other nations capture Turkish (or Turkey-friendly) lands by force.
Killings in Gaza: Genocide.
Genocide in Sudan: Muslims never commit genocide.
USA: Ex-world power, a small country soon to be crushed under Turkish sanctions.
Russia: Former enemy, now ally, future enemy.
EU: A club of Christian infidels historically hostile to Turkey.
Turkey’s EU membership: see “Opera Buffa.”
Iran: Privately, a country of heretics Turkey must publicly pretend it views within the boundaries of Islamic solidarity.
Chess: The game Iran plays in Middle East polity.
Backgammon: The game Turkey plays in Middle East polity.
UN resolutions condemning Israeli settlements: International jurisprudence every nation must respect.
UN resolutions condemning Turkish occupation of Cyprus: Null and void.
Traitor: About half of Turkey, or 40 million people.
Populism abroad: Bad. A shame.
Populism at home: Good when it brings votes.
Israel: A terror state.
Hamas: Former libertarian, pro-peace activist organisation. Now a legitimate political party defending human rights, civil liberties, pluralism and multi-cultural life. Condemns racism, especially religious and ethnic racism.
Pluralism: A system that is decent when practiced in Muslim-minority countries but not so decent when practiced in Muslim-majority countries.
Islamophobia: Crime against humanity (like fascism and Zionism).
Bills passed in Turkish parliament: Will of the nation. Must be respected.
Bills passed in foreign parliaments against Turkey: Shame. Null and void.
The TF-X, 100 percent Turkish fighter jet: see British Aerospace and Rolls-Royce.
3.41: The dollar rate against lira when President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan called on Turks to sell their dollars.
4.75: The dollar rate against lira in mid May.
U.S. dollar: Market forces of demand and supply when the Turkish lira remains stable. A chemical weapon against Turkey when the lira slides.
The winner of June 24 elections: see “Who counts the vote.”
Turkey’s Kurds: Good people and terrorists: Good when they vote for Mr Erdoğan, bad when they vote for terrorists. (same as Turkey’s Turks.)
A ready luggage: An essential kit every Turkish ambassador must keep handy.
Left hand: The hand which demons use when they eat, according to Turkey’s Religious Affairs Directorate.
Islamic terror: Not available.
Alcohol: A sin. It explains why alcohol-consuming western countries are less healthy and less developed than non-alcohol-consuming Muslim countries like Bangladesh and Sudan.
An election defeat for Mr Erdoğan: Casus belli. Civil war.
Constitutional Court: The only supreme court in the world whose rulings are ignored by lower courts.
G-20: The group that brings together 20 biggest economies in the world which Turkey officially joined in 1999 but joined again according to Mr Erdoğan’s narrative: “We lifted Turkey into the G-20.” (after 2002.) It remains a mystery how Mr Erdoğan made Turkey a G-20 member when already was.
A Turkish University: Increasingly, in nature, a “madrasa.” Literally, a group of buildings surrounded by a library and a mosque, and run by a president who has won the “best-lackey-to-the-president” award.
Istanbul: A Muslim Turkish city with a Greek name (eis tin polin) built when Turks were shamans in the Asian steppes.
The Hagia Sophia Mosque: The mosque in Istanbul built a few centuries before the birth of Islam.
Opposition: Universally a democratic force; in Turkey, see “treason.”
Traitor: A Turk who does not worship Mr Erdoğan. Traitors make about half of the population in the country, or about 40 million people, making Turkey the most treacherous nation in the world.