Your Pro-Erdogan Columnist’s Foreign Policy Guideline
It is beyond any debate that life, for journalists with a critical view of President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, is increasingly difficult and risky.
But let’s not be unfair to our colleagues whose job description simply requires three universal journalistic principles: 1- Full devotion to the great leader, 2- More than full devotion to the great leader, and 3- In case of doubt, instinctive reference to principles 1 and 2.
Life for them, therefore, can be more tormenting than it is for us the lucky elite. First of all, there is such cruel rivalry among a small army size of journalists and columnists who compete to win the bigger pat on the shoulder. Second, the pro-establishment political commentators must possess truly unprecedented talent of zigzagging between opposing opinions, sometimes on a daily basis, in line with policy hints from the Palace. Those colleagues of ours may be enjoying fat salaries, finer things of life, connections with powerful people and are free from any risk of prosecution. All the same their job is so despicable that it may not be worth the effort.
In an effort to exhibit journalistic solidarity this columnist has drafted an introductory-level foreign policy guideline, hoping to alleviate our unlucky colleagues’ anguish.
The United States of America: Usually the Great Satan. The Mother of All Evil. But not always. Second-class democracy. Soon to be overtaken by Turkey in military technology. A temporary superpower frightened by the rising superpower with the Crescent and Star on its flag. An ally of Kurdish terrorists in Syria.
Donald Trump: Evil man when he sounds like an Islamophobe. A gentleman when he curses at Syria, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and other thugs our president does not like. We will love him more if he bombs Damascus.
Russia: Does not recognise the PKK as a terrorist organisation but it’s fine. A country of good people who give us a nuclear power plant, an air defence architecture, send us tourists and $$$ and allows us to enjoy the military fanfare in Syria. The main supporter of Mr Assad, but it’s fine. (see Stockholm syndrome).
Germany: A country that became rich quite by chance (see Mr Erdogan’s relevant statement). Soon to be overtaken by Turkey in per capita income. The potential maker of the engine and transmission system of our 100 percent indigenous, national, Turkish-made battle tank.
The West: Simply evil. A Christian club that hates Muslims. Fears the rise and rise of the Crescent and Star. A derelict civilisation that happens to be, for unknown reasons, the top destination of Muslim tourists, migrants and students. An infidel civilisation that should “go to hell.” (see Mr Erdogan’s relevant statement).
Syria: Our playground-battleground. Home of a bloody dictator and about three million Kurdish terrorists 3,000 or so of whom we have neutralised in two months. If everything goes perfectly smooth there will be no terrorists in Syria in 2,000 months.
Bashar al-Assad: Former brother, now our nemesis. Backed by our Russian allies and Iranian brothers. The murderer of hundreds of thousands of innocent people. Evil man.
Omar al-Bashir: Always a brother. The murderer of hundreds of thousands of innocent people. Good man. He will give us an island.
Saudi Arabia: Former Muslim brother. Now the land of Zionist Muslims. Its crown prince is probably a crypto Jew.
Qatar: A family-run petrol station and a role model democracy. The country of good Arabs.
United Arab Emirates: The country of bad Arabs.
Egypt: The country of bad Arabs.
The United Nations: The world is greater than five. But not always. A useful organisation if it bombs Mr Assad or votes against Jerusalem as Israel’s capital or condemns Israeli re-settlements. Otherwise a useless gathering of nations. Ideal UNSC permanent members are: Turkey, Qatar, Hamas, TRNC and Azerbaijan.
Iran: A difficult entry for the government-friendly columnist. Muslim but heretic. Friendly but not. Not hostile but can be. Too friendly with our Mr Assad our nemesis – bad. But too hostile to our enemy Israel – good.
Israel: A terrorist state where voters elected a terrorist as prime minister.
Hamas: Democratically elected freedom fighters, an international grouping of philanthropists whose principal political instrument is passivism and peace. An anti-racist, libertarian establishment that defends human rights mainly by human-made rockets.
Cyprus: The island of bitter lemons and not-so-bitter hydrocarbons. Also the homeland of Sigma’s president, Yusuf Kanli. A disputed geography that will boost Mr Erdogan’s popularity ahead of the presidential elections in 2019.
Greece: A rival country in deep economic crisis where per capita income is about 80 percent higher than in booming Turkey. Europe’s spoiled child. Another geography that will boost Mr Erdogan’s popularity ahead of the presidential elections in 2019 (its defence minister is believed to be a secret ally of Mr Erdogan.) The cradle of democracy: Ancient Greeks probably invented head-count democracy with a view to destroying future rival Turkey 2,500 years later.
TF-X: The code name for Turkey’s 100 percent indigenous, national, Turkish-made fighter jet programme that is being developed by British Aerospace.